Thursday, November 5, 2015

Still...but too late

Today, I woke up feeling really broken and terrible...my unhealthy habits, poor diet, work stress and personal chaos have been takin toll on my body that I am sick again and getting weaker everyday.

I just want to drop a letter today...somethin so personal...somethin from my soul...

To the person whose heart I broke...

More than a decade ago we were good friends... We would always laugh at night with your silly tales and have a good time with your fantastic guitar skills. And then on one Christmas eve, we finally moved from being friends to couples. Do you still remember our first I love you's? Our first Christmas kiss near our window pane? It felt surreal...falling inlove to the point of madness. Your smile, your scent, your laugh, your love... It was truly an answered prayer. All I ever wanted at that time is to spend my whole life loving you.

And so, after a year of being sweerhearts, we decided to move in... And started a family. It was just crazy, we were sooo young, reckless and unprepared with the challenges of staying together but we managed to make it work through the years. We were almost perfect...

But of course, like in any other relationships, we had our fair share of many fights, confrontations, and misundertandings. You are rational and I am emotional...we clashed and I thought our differences could be reconciled but as time flies it made me grew distant.

If only hadn't been that selfish and spoiled, if I had been open about my demons, I could have done something about it. I admit it was my fault and these ifs have all come and gone and I am left with the reality of these lost chances.

I am sorry...I took your love for granted many times.
I am sorry...I cannot cook a decent meal but God knows I tried but with a warm smile you happily ate what is served infront.
I am sorry...I always nag to the point of driving you crazy, to the point of pushing you the wall, to the point of unleashing your dark side that made you violent at times.
I am sorry...I was materialistic at that time but you did your best to give me everything I want and I deserved.
I am sorry...I belittled your work and hated your career  but you showed me that it can provide.
I am sorry... I left you humiliated and badly hurt but you still gave me the care I no longer deserved.
I am sorry...I was too proud to admit I am at fault and I fucked up.

I am sorry for breaking your heart the way I did. It was so unfair and you never deserved it...

I know the word sorry will never be enough to redeem myself and fix things that I have broken but I am still hopeful that one day...

That one day... You will look at me the same. The look of so much love and appreciation. I miss it and how I want to have it again.

But then I am just too late... If only I could turn back time and fix every thing, God knows I would...But I can't.

I heard you found your new love and happiness, I was devastated and at that moment I realized how foolish I am to have let you down...those kind smiles, those warm hugs, those ardent kisses, those wise words, those unlimitted appreciations, those special treatments... I miss them but they are not mine anymore.

I love you still...too bad I am too late.

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